A Mixed Race Feminist Dates!

I’ve decided one of my new year’s resolutions will be to return to dating next year after a long hiatus. I’ve been studying for the last few years which has left me busy and broke much of the time so I haven’t been particularly interested in dating. I think dating can take a lot of enthusiasm, effort and money (paying for dates, dating websites etc.). I just didn’t feel like it was a priority for me in this last year or so. Whenever I have told either women or men who are family or friends that I wasn’t that interested in dating for the minute I feel I’ve either been met with pity, confusion or disbelief. I’d go and meet someone feeling happy with myself but then leave afterwards feeling down and wonder why. I realised I was absorbing other people’s judgments and expectations of what I should be doing as a single woman in her thirties. It didn’t matter how many times I told people I was fine or even happy with my single status the majority of people I spoke to made it obvious that they did not really believe me. I’ve spent quite a lot of my life being single and I’ll be honest I think part of that is to do with the stigma single women receive. Constantly being made to feel like you are less-than because you are single can wear away at a woman’s self-esteem. It’s time for people to accept that men and/ or relationships won’t always be at the forefront of a woman’s mind and that’s perfectly OK.

Looking back I can see I’ve always struggled with dating and men. Feminism has helped me to more fully understand why. It’s because of sexism quite frankly and racism too. As a mixed race woman not only am I trying to avoid racial fetishism (which I have come across more times that I care to mention from both black and white men) but all the usual sexist crap women tend to have to deal with in relationships. I’ve always been someone to get mighty pissed at sexism even from being a child. It’s something I’ve always felt hyper aware of and I do feel it’s another issue that has kept me single at times because I’ve found it hard to deal with sexism (often in conjunction with issues to do with race) within my own romantic relationships. It hasn’t necessarily become easier as I’ve gotten older either.

I want to go back into dating with a positive attitude however! I am genuinely looking forward to it. Training to become a counsellor and feminism have helped me to understand my needs in relationship more, how to set boundaries and how to communicate more effectively which has led to greater self-confidence. As preparation for returning to dating I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately about feminists in the dating world. I have to say they haven’t been uplifting. I’ve been hearing some horror stories (and I can very well recall my own!). I think it’s been helpful to read these articles though for a bit of perspective. At times I have wondered if some of the women writing these articles are dusting men off a little bit too quickly. It seems some feminists are giving any man the boot as soon as he says something prejudiced either against women or another oppressed group. While I think we should all try to raise each other’s consciousness and point it out when we hear something oppressive I do think we need to cut people some slack. We are all victims to some extent of the oppressive systems we live within and no-one is perfect. I certainly don’t want to be held to a standard of perfection myself. I have been known to let something slip on occasion that is problematic and I’m sure I will unwittingly continue to do so. I also don’t think we can expect people to immediately transform their troublesome opinions literally as soon as we expose them. Often attitudes don’t change overnight. Having said that I don’t think it’s a good idea for anyone to date someone who is at a wildly different stage of consciousness to them.

I guess what I’m personally looking for is a ‘fixer-upper’. I remember watching the Disney film ‘Frozen’ and this being the term used to describe a potential partner who has some really amazing qualities but has some obvious flaws that need working on too. The key, in my opinion, is to find someone who deep down wants to live in a just world, is invested in their own continuous self-development and is willing to reflect on their thoughts, behaviours and attitudes. I’m not looking for someone who will never say or do anything I have a problem with. I’m looking for someone who cares how I feel about what they say and do and is willing to consider my feedback.

Well this is only the beginning so I have a feeling there will be more posts from me on this topic along the way. Eek. Wish me luck! If anyone has any comments or feedback on this blog I’d love to hear from you.








2 thoughts on “A Mixed Race Feminist Dates!

  1. Hey mixedracefeminist, I was going to post this on the Facebook page but I couldn’t find this post on their anymore.
    To what it is, hopefully you will find the right person in your life to not only being your partner but your soul mate as well. As long you feel comfortable being around the person you admire/respect and feel enthusiastic with, then you want to be around this aura from now to eternity.

    I can imagine you’re not the one to judge on how the person looks, but if you appreciate where they from, the parents DNA with genes and they up bringing background to who they are today (adapting to they society, then acknowledge this is a beautiful thing.
    That goes for the partner (the date) as well, if that special someone can admire you for the woman you are, what you do for a living, the way you talk/walk, the sense of humour, your educated background, why you are for the way you are today, your family background, the skin you live and be proud of, then I say that is a match made in heaven.

    I say if you date a person that doesn’t make you feel comfortable and doesn’t feel healthy towards your future, that I understand, but I say don’t judge too quickly on the person you date (because some people on 1st dates don’t really bloom to well and can be nervous /shy/ not confident or forget to show to you why you should love them.

    Sometimes the media or peer pressure can alter your ways of thinking on who you should like and dislike (which I think is a load of rubbish) and its down to the person to decide on that. So if the person can date you for being you and not the judgement of skin colour (including being bias) then that’s a human being and not a Muppet lol. Is like when I go out places, I never judge a person for the skin colour, sexuality, religion, if they are handicap but I treat them as the person God created. So hopefully when it comes to dating, you will be open minded with a positive attitude.

    If both of you can think in a positive light for doing any and everything then you two are blessed and you two will need to build a future together you both can stand and appreciate. If the person loves themselves for the way they are and if you love yourself for the way you are, then you two can love one another 😉
    Sorry for the long post as i feel that 2016 will be your year, only if you make it out to be your year 😀


    1. Thanks for this very thoughtful message! It’s nice to hear some feedback. I wish you all the best for 2016 too and thank you for reading this article.

      Yes I think appreciating another person’s background is important too! Just not in a fetishising way.


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